A moment of weakness came over me suddenly. I had been so strong and I was surprised to find myself so vulnerable.
I was between my sixth and seventh chemo treatment. Only two more to go. The previous chemo hit me hard. Every muscle and cell in my body hurt. At the last appointment, Dr. Wonderful (Hematologist-Oncologist) told me to sit outside in the late afternoon to get some vitamin D and it would be good for me. So, I decided to sit outside for a while. It was just me and the squirrels in the backyard. I was looking at the aloe plants because that was the only place in the backyard that gets the sun.
A Moment of Weakness
It had been a hard weekend and I was home from a long day of work and I just lost it. As I sat outside, I listed everything for God that I was going through, as if he didn’t know. It went like this…
- Cancer, God?
- Stage 3a
- Grade III, aggressive
- I have no hair
- my eyelashes and eyebrows are gone
- I hurt all over
- my port got infected
- a week in the hospital
- neupogen shots
- a PICC line
- needle after needle
- I don’t understand why you let this happen to me. I’m sorry God. I know I’m not supposed to question you but I’m your child. Why? Why did you let this happen to me?
Finding the positive in weakness.
Then I felt bad. Many people will read this and think that I was wrong to ever talk to God that way. I would say to them that God already knew what I was thinking. He’s God. Knowing that I couldn’t remain in that state of mind, I started finding the positive things about my situation. I told God…I am thankful for:
- my team of doctors
- chemo I could receive
- Herceptin developed just for the Her 2 positive cancer
- the strength to still be working
- Kelsey’s successful senior year
- Paige, because she could give me the Neupogen shots
- my caregivers: Doug, Doug’s mom and my mom
- that I did not get sick (throw up) with any chemo
I knew in my head that God worked all things for my good but I didn’t feel it at the time. In fact, I felt all alone and I was having a moment of weakness. With tears running down my face, I asked God to be with me and wrap His arms around me like he promised that he would do in His word. I was broken…I sat in silence…
God heard me in my weakness.
Along came a beautiful hummingbird and then his mate a couple of minutes later. They fluttered around the aloe plants and obtained the nectar from the aloe bloom. Now, we had lived at that house 14 years and I had worked in the yard at all times of the day and I had never seen a hummingbird, much less a pair of hummingbirds. Then, I remembered a verse in the Bible about God taking care of the birds of the air.
Matthew 6:26 (NIV)
“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?”
From weakness to strength.
I sat in silence once again but it was a good silence. The kind of silence and time with God that renews your soul. I knew God had my back in all of this and I knew God was in control. I went inside and began to review notes in my devotional book. Eventually I found the from the Sunday that I was in the hospital, March 15, 2009. In those notes was a phrase…“I know God remembers me.” If fact, that phrase is listed 73 times in the Bible in reference to God taking care of us. Then, I listened to my favorite praise and worship song, “He Knows My Name” by Tommy Walker. Here are the words to the first verse/chorus:
I have a maker
He formed my heart,
before even time began
My life was in His hands
He knows my name
He knows my every thought,
He sees each tear that falls
and hears me when I call
He, my God, remembered me all along. I just needed to go to the source of strength. My weakness turned to strength.
***I write about my thoughts, my hopes, my soul, my highs, my lows and everything in between. I share my journey through breast cancer and invite you to read my story in Keeping It Real.